BEATING THE FREAKING HEAT - Criss

Above the hills, along the blue, 

Round the bright air with footing true, 

To please the child, to paint the rose, 

The gardener of the World, he goes

Thats how the great poet, Robert Louis Stevenson describes the Sun, in his famous poem,"The Summer Sun"

"To Please the child, to paint the rose???..The Sun???" Thats surely not how we Indians would look att he Sun. Maybe the Sun out there in England is a milder brother of the one we have out here. Especially for those who live in Mumbai, Summer has less to do with blooming gossamer than it has to do with sticky apparel, melting foreheads and smelly underarms. We don't even have a winter out here. Tell em folks in England that  the temperature is a 'pleasant' 23 degrees Celcius in Winter and they'll laugh at you, coz thatswhat their Summers usually are like.

So, for all those pissed-off victims of the Summer Heat - presenting a list of things you could do to Beat The Heat

• Seen those ads on TV? - "Duniya Ka Sabse Chota AC?", "Thanda Thanda Powder", "Thanda Thanda Cool Cool". Well, nows your chance to check if these really work. Go shopping and buy all of these prickly heat powders and oils and what not's. Take a tub-full of water, mix all of these in it to prepare a concoction of your own. Store the resulting paste in bottles and dab it on your body, or your scalp, or anywhere you get hot (pun intended), before you go out in the Heat. It ought to make you the coolest living being on Earth (so what if the paste made you look like an albino Zombie?) If it works, do let me know.

• Invest in a huge plastic bath tub.  Stay in it all day long. Consider getting wheelchair-like wheels attached to its sides so that you could move around in it as well. Stay fresh all day long!

• Warning - getting someone to join you in it will result in a counter-effect, coz that way, you'll feel hot.

• This one's for guys - Don the Salman "I hate my shirt" Khan look, and go topless. Gals, please don't try this outside your home - spare us guys the heat.

• For relief from the heat till Retirement or Death (whichever comes first) - Join the Indian Army....then hope that they post you to Ladakh or the North East. You'll either live or die with the cold weather, or die in a cold-blooded attack. "Main kya hai?? Coldna??"

• Sing the Kolkata Knight Riders anthem. It didn't fetch them too many wins, but maybe it could help bring in some rain. you don't believe me? See their records, they lost a lot of points due to rain-washed matches and the Duckworth-Lewis rule.Unbelieveable? Believe It!!

• Pray for more heat. Maybe God will do the exact opposite this time as well.

• On the flip-side, he might decide to grant you your wish this time. Your risk completely!

• Sing Raag Malhar. If you're a Good Singer, maybe the Rain Gods will get pleased and send em rains. If you're a bad singer, people will pay you to shut up. The money can be used to invest in an AC.

• This one's for all those who get admonished for arriving late to office. Most offices today have AC's. So do yourself a favour, and reach office on time, or even before time. Stay back in office late, even  after office hours. That way, you enjoy more time in an airconditioned environment, without an extra load on your personal electricity bill, and also boost your executive image. Cool weather and better appraisals...hai nadouble faayda?

• Try one of the 1000's of fishy products they sell through the doubly fishyTeleshopping network ads shown on TV after midnight. There might definitely be a dozen out there that claim to beat the heat. What if they don't solve the heat problem? Well, you'll probably go cold with the rude shock you receive after realising that you've been duped of your hard earned money.

• If nothing works, then live with it dammit! Look at those people who live in deserts for inspiration.

This post was 1st Runner-up in the "Summer Heat" Contest, in June 2009.