CRACKING 'EGG-JAMS' - THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

“What’s the significance of the equation E= Mc2?”

“What does Herbert Simon’s theory of Decision Making elucidate upon?”

“How does the Ecological theory affect administration of developing countries?”
Do you begin stuttering when such bouncers are thrown upon you? Does your tongue stick out lamely when you are told to explain a concept? Do you develop cold feet when the word “egg-jams” are uttered? No it doesn’t mean eggs mashed up with the fruity and sweetie jam…(anyway what an awful combination that would be). With no academic companion to guide you through your awful egg-jam burden, all your supposed academic pursuits seem to be draining all the way down the Indian Ocean.

"A process prescribed or assigned for testing qualification; as, the examination of a student, or of a candidate for admission to the bar or the ministry. "
"...the act of giving students or candidates a test (as by questions) to determine what they know or have learned"
That’s how an examination is defined.

It is that time of the year when that perpetually-doomed species called ‘student’ goes all nuts, crazy, insane, and begins acting like a fool to the core. They are no less than a jittery monkey freaking and howling at every step before the D-Day arrives. There is complete pandemonium, with the Indian Parliament proceedings standing no chance in comparison. Scattering of books, scampering for notes, and above all, trying to please the highest authority with whatever means possible to achieve their desired goals, is the order of the day during this season.

To shed some ‘light of enlightenment’ onto my fellow ‘homo sapien academicuses’ (read students), we decided to preach (we don’t believe in following it or practicing it…give us a break!) and propound the vital mandate to sail through any sort of egg-jam hurdle. They will heal all your egg-jam sorrows and leave you with nothing but ecstasy (not the drug loser!)

Following are the TEN COMMANDMENTS of Dealing with Exam Fever. Follow them at your own risk.

1) “THOU ART THY OWN LORDS & THY OWN GODS”
Plan your studies - or whatever you call it - according to your own whims and fancies. Study when you WANT to. Not when you OUGHT to. This will ensure you have ample time in the world to check out the hot guy/girl next door (depending on your leanings :P) or even sneak in the uptown chicos/chicas.

2) “THOU SHALT STEAL”
NEVER buy notes from your pet Photostat-wala in college or waste money buying books which you’re eventually gonna throw away anyway. Why bother when you have the luxury of pestering your fellow geek mate who has the entire notes from the starting of the syllabus till the end, and sometimes even more?
Follow this dictum and you are bound to succeed. Your geek classmate has studied more than required, so snatch away whatever material he has, well in advance, like two weeks – hell no!! - 2 days before the egg-jams.

3) “THOU SHALT KILL”
If attempts at stealing don’t work, then exterminate the creature.

4) “THOU SHALT AIM FOR AN EVER-LAST-ING PREPARATION”
ALWAYS insist on reading only a night before the egg-jam. No use mugging up the crap the entire year. After all, ONE NIGHT STANDS are always effective and more preferable.

5) “LOVE THY CANTEEN”
If you cannot find that perfect place to let out your building frustration, then why are college canteens made up for? Rest you ass and enjoy your hot cuppa coffee or even that plate of scrumptious dosas. This would be sufficiently enough to make you forget about the thrilling egg-jams dude!

6) “GOTH MUSIC IS A MUST”.
If Finding Neverland seems impossible, i.e. passing appears tough then listen to some Goth Rock. This will not only soothe your senses, but will also inspire you with innovative ideas to jam the eggs.

Even if its not your poison and doesn’t really soothe your senses, hell, it can’t be worse than egg-jam stress now, can it?

7) “LET IT GO. LET THY SPIRIT FLOW”
While answering your paper (wonder of wonders!! One Night Stands do work, eh? :P), if by chance you are writing something rather than staring at the ceiling, let your creative juices flow with no hindrances. Write as much crap as possible. Let the examiner know what you’re made of.

In between, writing something related to the discipline is definitely permitted.

8) “THOU SHALT MAKE THY OWN TATTOO(S) & KEEP THEM SECRET”
You could have the “Cost of Capital” formulae tattooed in blue ball-pen ink on your upper arm, or the formulae for “MEASURES OF CENTRAL TENDENCY” underneath your socks, or chemical equations under neath your wristwatch, or Acronyms to essay answers wherever you want em (and wherever you, and only you can see them).

You would obviously not share your art with others of the species or the authority. Lest the Master strike you down with a bolt of lightning.

Even if he misses, the supervisor most probably won’t.

9) “QUESTION BANK IS THY BIRTHRIGHT, AND THOU SHALT HAVE IT”
You shall beg/plead/whine/pester your faculty for a question bank. More ambitious cadres could try for the question paper itself. Makes your one night stands a shorter affair, and would probably keep you in lesser guilt :P

10) “THOU SHALT UPDATE THY BLOG”
Well, the last commandment, and the most sacrosanct for us bloggers. If you’re not able to channelise your creativity and focus your attention towards your studies, then you might as well think about your next post, and post something on your blog.

You might end up screwing your exams royally, but look at the positives dude! You get an updated blog and loads of comments!!!

So what are you waiting for? Start commenting!! We’re screwing up our exams for this piece of shit! :P

Cheers
Swatz & CRD